June 30th, 2009 | by Devyn Quinn |
It’s not my normal day to post, but Crystal Jordan is under a tight deadline, so I am filling in for her.
One of the things that’s been nagging me lately is that little monster I call “worry”. You know that Weight Watchers commercial with the little Orange creature called “Hungry”? Well, I have one of those, and his (and I am sure it’s a HE) is called Worry. I don’t know when worry moved in, but he’s been around a long time. The thing about Hungry is that he will back off if you feed him enough candy bars. Worry, however, never seems to stop nattering in my ear, nagging about this and that. I do my best to satisfy Worry, but somehow my efforts are never good enough. Worry keeps at me, poking and prodding until I just melt into a puddle of depression and stop responding. Some people are happy go lucky, taking things as they come. I’m not one of those people. I’m just the opposite.
I worry.
So what does Worry harp on about? The first is my writing ability. I am constantly and continually concerned that my books suck rocks and that I am the world’s lousiest writer. I have sat and bawled over a chapter when it seems the right words just won’t come that day. I have bitten my fingernails to the bloody quick, waiting for to hear if my editor liked or hated the most recent manuscript I’ve just sent his way. I always expect to get the email back saying the book I’ve turned over is fit for nothing but the garbage can. Now that has yet to happen, but Worry is nevertheless sitting on my shoulder, prodding at my insecurities. When NAL made the offer of a three book deal for paranormal romance, Worry was yelling in my ear that I was much too talentless to be making the move to mass market. I almost didn’t sign the contracts. And even though I eventually did, Worry still hasn’t shut up. I am now worried the new books will suck as badly as the ones I wrote for Kensington….
Another thing Worry nags me about is my website. It’s never as cool as I want it to look, never as nice and professionally polished as I think it should be. Worry is always jumping my butt, asking me how I expect to compete when other authors have much nicer sites than mine. This drives me to distraction and I am always looking for the next bell and whistle I can toss on my site, the next template I can throw up for design. Of course, Worry reminds me that I am lacking a major talent to be a web designer and that my Photoshop skills are minimal as best. Oh, yes. And don’t forget that problem with being able to visually match color. I can’t tell you the number of time I have exhausted myself, or the hours I have spent in search of the perfect website. No matter how good I think it looks, Worry always finds something to complain about and pick at.
Worry also nags me about the place I live, the car I drive and the clothes I wear. It all seems so shabby, cheap and pathetic. “Why aren’t you doing better at this point in your life?” Worry asks. “You should have more, be more, do more. Own the world.”
Yeah. I wish. Truth is, none of that is probably going to happen. But that’s okay. Worry lets me know that people like me (losers?) just don’t get a big slice of the pie in this world.
As if that wasn’t enough, Worry also pokes at my weight. Am I getting too damn fat sitting in this chair, pounding out books no one wants to read? “Do you really need another glass of high sugar Limeade?” he shouts. His buddy Hungry steps in to control my hand as I pour yet another serving and gulp it down like welcome poison.
Am I worried? You bet. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. But since I can’t get rid of my constant companion, I imagine I’ll continue to weep, wail and gnash my teeth for many years to come.
So what’s your weakness, dear reader, that little dark voice that whispers in your ear? What does it say, and how do you fight it?
One of these days, m’dear, you’re going to realize that when you think negative, you often GET negative. When you expect good things, good things happen, and no, I’m not spouting new age drivel. I’m merely a firm believer in the power of positive thinking. Somehow, though, we need to adjust yours from being positive you suck to positive you’re wonderful and your books are gems–because they are. Wonderful, well-written gems that are yet to be discovered by enough readers to convince you of how much talent you have!
Here’s hoping it happens soon!
by Kate Douglas · June 30th, 2009 at 6:24 pmDevyn, I really wonder how many creative people are those happy-go-lucky folks who are always seeing silver linings rather than clouds? I think it’s part of the artistic nature to be neurotic.
Speaking as one who is, myself.
If we all lived cheery lives and thought cheery thoughts, what the heck would there be to write about? We’d just be out there enjoying our sunshiny lives, rather than pounding away at our computers.
Having said that, I agree with Kate that what you toss out there into the world tends to come back. If you send negative thoughts, it’s sure not helping you feel more positive and I don’t think it can attract a lot of positive energy.
But we’re women, and we’ve been raised to be humble, to downplay our talents. It’s hard to stand up and say, “I’m good.” Damned hard. (And try being Canadian to boot; we’re particularly self-effacing!) But I truly think we need to try. And even if we can’t say it, we have to find a core of internal strength and believe it.
by Susan Lyons · June 30th, 2009 at 11:02 pmAh, Kate. I wish you could bottle some of your attitude and send it my way. One thing that was–and is–continually pounded into my head by worry that nothing good ever happens to “people like us”. I’ve always wondered who the “us” is and why I have to be one of them, LOL.
Susan, you are right. I do not write shiny, happy characters because I am not a shiny-happy person! In my family, writing and pubbing a few books in NY is nothing unless it comes with large financial rewards. Because I am not a high earner, my parental units see me as a middle-aged loser still holding on to my teenaged dreams. I need to get the L branded on my forehead asap, LOL.
by Devyn Quinn · June 30th, 2009 at 11:43 pmIf that’s the way your family sees you that’s just ridiculous.
But I hear you on the worries. I have them, too, and a lot of the same ones you do. But you have to bear in mind the positive things going on in life or the negative will just eat you alive. And keep a sense of humor, it helps. I remember once one of the kids asking me at dinner time, why can’t we have whole grain bread like other people? (Being that white bread is cheap that’s all we could afford at the time.) So I pointed out that yes, whole grain is tasty but you just made a bread ball that you’re rolling across the plate and flipping with a spoon into your peas -and those things are hard as heck to make with whole grain. This brought a laugh and I didn’t hear the question again either, lol.
Life just sucks sometimes, sweetie. But don’t let it suck the life from you
by Anya Howard · July 3rd, 2009 at 7:52 pm