July 26th, 2009 | by Cassie Ryan |
A few nights ago I was out at one of the finest traditions ever created: the girl’s night out. Ours is a group of seven women who trade off houses every month, we all bring food and play games, drink, eat, talk about writing, life and of course, men and sex. It’s a great stress reliever, I always laugh too much, eat too much, talk to much and my batteries are totally recharged when I walk out of there.
A few of our number are single, a few married, a few divorced and dating again, so we have a wealth of stories to talk about across the board, and those of us who are wearing the rings can relive our wild days and live vicariously through those out there on the front lines of the dating scene. And like most women when they get together like this, yes, guys, we do talk specifics. Which after the very detailed and vivid discussions from the girl’s night out, and coming back home to write a sex scene, made me wonder: How real is too real when reading or writing a sex scene?
After all, let’s be honest, sex, at least really good sex is messy. But really good sex scenes are kind of a combination of reality and fantasy. So how do we split the difference?
Let’s take a look at some specifics.
The wet spot – yes or no? For me personally, I don’t write in a wet spot. When my characters are done with the uber mind-blowing sex and cuddling, they aren’t having to put a towel down or scoot around so someone isn’t laying on the wet spot. And come to think of it, I haven’t read a lot of books where that’s been mentioned. But would that make the scene more real, or any more romantic? Not for me…. But could be for others.
How to handle the come. For me personally, I do write come as an erotic addition into my sex scenes. After all, it is kind of one of those “turn on” type things. It happens, it’s a desired outcome and there are bodily secretions involved. In real life, I’ve always thought it was kind of funny for a woman to spit rather than swallow – after all, it’s already been inside your mouth at that point! So, yes, my heroines swallow and even enjoy it. And I guess since I view giving a blow job as very erotic, and laced with feminine power, so do my heroines. For my heroes, giving oral sex (and yes, they are damn good at it!!) is an integral part of the sex and they very much enjoy their heroine’s generated secretions. I even have the heroes kiss the heroines after giving her oral sex, and the heroine tasting herself on his lips. This may be a little too real and “in the face” (sorry, no pun intended, even though it made me giggle when I realized it was here…) for some people, but to put it bluntly, come happens….so how do you want to read about it?
Male stamina & quick rebound time. I’ll admit, my heroes have some pretty decent stamina and some good rebound time. I usually have the heroine coming first and the hero after her, or the good old simultaneous orgasm. Granted, in real life, I’m sure everyone has experienced the oops where the guy comes too quickly and you’re not even close to getting there—but since that’s not something I want to read or fantasize about, I don’t write that in my scenes. Now, to be fair, I don’t have the heroes turning into little sexual Energizer Bunnies and going for eight hours straight, or rebounding ten times a night in one minute intervals. (I think my poor heroines would not only be sore, but would hunt me down and break my laptop!) But having a guy so turned on by you that even though he’s already come once, a little kissing and cuddling can get him ready to go again is not only sexy—but makes us feel sexy, too! So why not have that in our sex scenes?
Location, location, location. Now I’ll admit that I’ve been adventurous in the past and had sex in some different locations. It’s fun, sexy and the thrill of doing it somewhere you’re not supposed to, does make it more hot somehow. That’s no different for my heroines. Although in this arena, they do tend to be much more adventurous than me. For example, I’ve never done it on an alter in front of twenty-one naked men and one woman (Ceremony of Seduction), in a public pool with another woman (Vision of Seduction), or had a six way with five of my closest women and men friends in a throne room where many of the male populace of my planet watched (Trio of Seduction). But that’s part of what makes reading a fun fantasy where we get to live vicariously—just like hearing about the escapades of others during the girl’s night out 
So, come out and play. What do you like in your reading sex scenes that you don’t like in your real sex life and visa versa. What do you like to read, but don’t like to do? What do you wish you were brave enough to try in real life that you’ve read? Time for an online girl’s day out…and guys…you’re welcome to play too.
So pick up a martini (or your drink of choice) and spill. I’m waiting
Cassie
Btw – don’t forget that Trio of Seduction, the third book in the Seduction trilogy, releases on July 29th!
Tina! Jeez! I need to come to YOUR girls night out because my friends are all prudes about talking about this stuff. In fact they won’t even read my books!
As far as the details, it has to be a delicate balance I think. Too real and where is the fantasy? Too fantastical and you’ll end up ripped apart one Friday night on Twitter for not being real enough.
Anyway, long story short I guess, hot is good, too many nuts and bolts (no pun intended) is bad.
Cat Johnson
by Cat Johnson · July 26th, 2009 at 8:36 pmHi Cat!
Thanks for stopping by
I agree – there definitely has to be a balancing act. And I’ll also agree – we have GREAT girl’s nights out 
I’m thinking you need to find some new members to spice up your girl’s nights!!
by Cassie Ryan · July 26th, 2009 at 8:46 pmAnswer: When you mention someone getting a cramp in their ass, hair in their teeth, or beard burn in an unfortunate place.
by Shannon · July 26th, 2009 at 9:51 pmI once was very close, going at it like bunnies, when the lamp on my head board fell off and hit me in the head. When my partner and I burst into gales of laughter, it sort of ruined the moment. That was perhaps too much reality for fantasy. And now that you mention it, no… no one ever does mention the wet spot. You know, I wonder how such an obvious tidbit has been passed over by so many very detailed authors… lol.
by Virginia Nelson · July 26th, 2009 at 11:32 pmShannon – rofl! Too true. Someone will have to now use the hair in teeth, ass cramp and beard burn in a book just for you
Virginia – I have a feeling they don’t like dealing with the wet spot in real life, so don’t want it in their “fantasy worlds” either…lol
That sounds like a fun poll to take – In writing your sex scenes: Wet spot or not? LOL…
by Cassie Ryan · July 27th, 2009 at 12:32 amSome people think it is necessary to mention but if I’m going to fantasy land, I don’t take birth control. I don’t need to read about it and don’t feel the need to write about it.
If that makes me naughty, oh, well!
by Lisa Pietsch · July 27th, 2009 at 12:47 amI hear ya, Lisa. Since most of my stories are paranormal, I always make sure my characters can’t catch anything, so don’t need condoms etc. As necessary as those things are in the reality of today, they aren’t fun and sexy to read about.
by Cassie Ryan · July 27th, 2009 at 12:55 amI hear ya, Lisa. Since most of my stories are paranormal, I always make sure my characters can’t catch anything, so don’t need condoms etc. As necessary as those things are in the reality of today, they aren’t fun and sexy to read about.
by Cassie Ryan · July 27th, 2009 at 7:36 amP.S. – Sorry, forgot to tell you great post!
Sheesh….once again I guess I’m doing it all wrong…
I just finished writing Wolf Tales 10 where I talk about not just the wet spot, but my heroine waking up with sticky thighs and reeking of a night of sex with two men. Birth control isn’t necessary for my Chanku, but they do use condoms for anal sex (the females insist on it for the aesthetics, plus, even I can’t write a segue from anal to oral unless they’ve worn a condom–I do have my standards. Low, but they exist…) I make it part of the scene so that it’s actually a fairly sexy thing, to don a condom. My heroines always swallow, but they’re basically feral creatures who are really into the whole bodily fluids thing–point being, I think the way you write your sex scenes and the sort of graphic descriptions you can use depend entirely on the world you’ve created and what your readers expect in that world. I just finished a scene between two men where they have sex all night long and laugh about how sticky and stinky they are afterward–and the fact that their women would never let them get away with it. There’s another scene where a guy wakes up with “dragon mouth,” which he figures is to be expected after falling asleep with his lover’s cock in his mouth, so maybe mine are a little TOO graphic, but it’s my world, my rules, right? And Tina, I would love a group of friends like yours! Mine aren’t nearly as adventurous! 
by Kate Douglas · July 27th, 2009 at 11:13 amI must admit, Kate, that I absolutely love your Chanku and love the world you’ve created. But you do manage to make all of that sexy and fun. I don’t think I could make dragon mouth seem quite so sexy
But I love the lover falling asleep with his partner’s cock in his mouth…lol!
And I’m thinking you, me, Cat and my existing group should just get together and have these discussions in person over some butterscotch martinis
by Cassie Ryan · July 27th, 2009 at 12:15 pmYou’re on!
by Kate Douglas · July 27th, 2009 at 1:03 pmFun topic, Cassie!
I buy Kate’s point about it depending on the world you’ve created, but I think it also depends on your characters. Whose point of view is the scene written in? If you have a really romantic woman, she’ll probably try to ignore the wet spot and focus on the cuddling. If she has delicate sensibilities or is inexperienced, she might not swallow. If she’s earthy and has a raunchy “voice,” then she’s going to notice stuff and I think it’ll be part of her “voice” to comment on them, and with some humor.
Then there’s character arc. My heroine in SEX DRIVE is a buttoned-up professor who is quite inexperienced, has had bad luck with men, and has sworn off them – until she meets the sexy thriller writer sitting beside her in business class. At first, she doesn’t think in terms like “cock” and “pussy,” but by the time he’s awakened her dormant sex drive and given her some mind-blowing sex, she’s really loosened up and is using those words.
But, to get back to that nasty old wet spot… If you’re writing sex with condoms, as I often do in my contemporaries, then there’s not so much of a wet spot anyhow. It’s those guys who are truly messy, not us ladies. LOL.
Unless, of course, you’re writing female ejaculation – which I haven’t seen many writers do.
by Susan Lyons · July 27th, 2009 at 1:30 pmI wanna come to your GNO too! I don’t have anyone around here to have a GNO with. Then again, most of my friends around here wouldn’t read a hot romance novel anyway…too much sex.
Can never have too much sex, though it must be written well and in the context of the story.
After 31 years, we’ve foregone the immediate cuddling in lieu of avoiding the wet spot, but that doesn’t mean we don’t cuddle
There are things I don’t want to read or write in my novels. Condom use is one. Yes, in real life, if you’re going to have casual sex (and I have yet to figure out that “friends with benefits” thing. Who does it really benefit in the long run??) condoms are a must. But I want my romance novels to take me away from the real life grind (no pun intended) and condoms are not something I want to read about.
As far as the ‘brave enough in real life,’ before the DH came along, I was way too wild for my own good. Let’s just say modern romance writers can’t shock me (unless they’re getting Sade disgusting, but that’s another story)
Do I want to read all of that? Depends on the writer, the world and the characters. I’ve DNF’d some books because the sex scene might be pretty tame compared to others, it just didn’t ring true at all. That’s what is most important to me. It’s got to stay true to the story and characters or I don’t want to know…
by nightsmusic · July 27th, 2009 at 3:24 pmHi Susan! Thanks for stopping by. Great points – and your books are pretty smokin’ hot, too
Nightmusic – I’m with ya. I don’t like reading about or writing about the condoms – this is fun fantasizing, the “Calgon take me away” moment, so no wet spots for my characters (unless I can make it funny…lol) and no condoms (again – unless I can make it funny…lol!)
by Cassie Ryan · July 27th, 2009 at 4:28 pmHmmm…I’m just the opposite. Coming to a sex scene w/o safe sex, unless it’s explained in the context of the world (ie: Paranormal where there are other ways to deal with disease and contraception) can turn a book into a wall banger for me. I lost a friend to AIDs and the risk is some of my personal baggage, I guess, but reading a romance where the couple doesn’t practice safe sex makes me think the hero is a jerk and the heroine just plain stupid…and those feelings will totally destroy the story. It’s so true that we read everything with our own subjective parameters.
by Kate Douglas · July 27th, 2009 at 4:43 pmAll good points, Kate. I think because I read so much paranormal that explains it away (within the world) and regency that I don’t hit that dilemma often. I’m not a big contemporary reader. Hell, I live contemporary – so what fun is that?!?
by Cassie Ryan · July 27th, 2009 at 5:27 pmLove this. You hit a lot of key points. I think most people want to skip over the mundane parts of the mind blowing sex. After all — a wet spot is hardly a romantic issue — although having the hero return to the bed with a warm wash cloth and cleaning his heroine gently and lovingly has some serious possibilities.
by Heather Long · July 27th, 2009 at 5:44 pmToo true, Heather!!
by Cassie Ryan · July 27th, 2009 at 5:57 pmKate, I see your point and I’m sorry about your friend. I come at it from the direction that I work in a hospital. I’ve seen the devastation AIDS causes to a person, and their family and friends. I’ve worked with those patients, held their hands, comforted the family that’s left behind.
So when I read romance, I don’t want to read what I deal with every day. I want to escape. Not be reminded.
We all come at things with our own baggage, don’t we?
by nightsmusic · July 27th, 2009 at 6:47 pmOur girls night out is the best, right Tina? If you’ve made some friends from your RWA chapter and have a couple in your GNO, just watch out. There are no holds barred and everyone gets into it! And OMG, talk about laughing our butts off. Love ‘em!!!!! We tossed pigs this last one. Talk about an interesting game. Snouters and double snouters were the best, weren’t they, Tina? Or the best we did.
)
by Cheyenne McCray · July 28th, 2009 at 9:27 amNext time I’m in Arizona near you, I’m there! Or hell, next convention we’re all at. We could even tape record it for the radio show. Though that episode would have to be upped to an ‘Adult’ rating. Sure my sound man would love it! LOL.
Cat
by Cat Johnson · July 28th, 2009 at 4:14 pmI love how real some authors make the stories. I truely enjoy being able to put myself into those women’s shoes and put myself into the story. I like to be able to watch the story happen in my head as I read along. I think its even better when you read about how he has to get rid of the condom. How maybe she has to hold back so she won’t come to fast. How he tells her to wait for a minute while he catches his breathe but you know that it is so he can get his stamina back up. The more real you make a story the more into it I get and the faster I read it so I can find out what is going to happen.
by Gina · July 28th, 2009 at 6:40 pmCat Johnson AND The Butterscotch Martini Girls?
I want in on that party!!!
by Lisa Pietsch · July 28th, 2009 at 6:47 pmChey – you are soooo right. Our girl’s nights out rock
And the pigs game and the Marry, Screw or Kill game were a riot! 
Cat – definitely next time you’re in AZ or the next conference we’ll all get together and try that out
Gina – I think you’re right. There are so many different authors who write differently, that there’s something for everyone
My heroes do have to hold back and etc, but I just don’t write in the condoms etc like Kate does.
Lisa – You’d be a riot to party with, girl!
by Cassie Ryan · July 28th, 2009 at 9:32 pm[...] Sex Scenes: How Real is too Real? What do you think? [...]
by Romancing the Novel Carnival #4 · August 2nd, 2009 at 5:14 am