Aphrodisia Authors :: Blog

Book reviews. Being human, I think most authors hold an ambiguous attitude toward reviews; simultaneously looking forward to receiving them, while at the same time dreading to read them. Some years ago I wrote book reviews for an online review site, and eons before that I wrote movie reviews for a small college press. Over the span of time, and while keeping an interested eye on the review techniques of others, I have come to the conclusion that almost all reviews fall into one of five categories: The good review. The bad review. The tepid I-really-don’t-care-either-way review. The glowing I-just-so-loved-this! review. The scathing, I-can’t-believe-this-was-allowed-to-see-the-light-of-day review. There are exceptions, of course, but for the main this is the trend.

A few weeks ago I came across an online article that surprised me. The gist of the item spoke of the fact that of the thousands of reviews posted on the internet every week, the big percentage of these are written for books. And more interesting, the majority of all these book reviews are for Romance books. This information got me thinking:  if suddenly these online reviewers found, for whatever reason, they were no longer able to post reviews, what would they do with their time? And more importantly, what would reviewers of Romance books do with their time? And I arrived at the conclusion they’d review other things!

Now in a proposed world where internet users are deprived of the opportunity to critique or even comment on books and thus forced to turn their attention to other products, the question arises -would they review in the same manner as they once reviewed books? I hazard to guess yes, they probably would. Imagine now a product -a purely fictional product, but one with widely held appeal to the general consumer populace. And bearing in mind those five typical category of reviews, along with the common review methods found at Romance-oriented sites presently in existence,  I think the end results we see might be a little like this-

Presenting: Online reviews for

Tofley Brands’ BERLIN FRAULEIN HOT COCOA WITH MARSHMALLOWS

Reviews from average former book retailer customers:

Customer review 1.  “Tofley does it again with this bold and HOT, HOT, HOT creamy rich sensation! Can’t wait until the release of the next exciting addition in this delicious line!!”

Customer review 2.  “Although this cocoa isn’t one I’d necessarily try again, it was satisfactory for my needs at the time  and lived up to its claims of chocolate with marshmallows.”

Customer review 3.  “Can we say DISAPPOINTING?? While the quasi-chocolate flavor and sprinkling of dried milk does, I guess,  qualify this product as a cocoa -and indeed there were marshmallows galore- this company missed the mark completely on a full-bodied delivery. The errors with this product are almost too long to list -powdery texture, chalky background, frivolous aroma and did I mention MARSHMALLOWS GALORE?  I like a cocoa that is memorable for substance and has a character I can identify with. And all those perversely abundant marshmallows just ruined it for me. This product was a waste of my time and money (maybe I should  sell the unused packets on Ebay??). Next time I’ll just stick with my tried-n-true Dora Roberts’ Rich & Steamy Cocoa.”

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From an Ebay seller

Description: ELEVEN NEVER BEFORE USED PACKETS OF BERLIN FRAULEIN HOT COCOA WON IN GIVEAWAY, STILL IN BOX AUTOGRAPHED BY PRODUCT CREATOR!   HOT DELICIOUS EXOTIC EXCURSION INTO SINFULLY CREAMY CHOCOLATE AND MARSHMALLOW DELIGHT YOU’LL NEVER FORGET!

BIDDING BEGINS AT $100.00!

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A snippet from a reviewer who receives way too many free sample products to ever provide a convincing critique of anything:

“Tofley has brought together rich cocoa and sweet marshmallows to make a power couple. I fell in love with cocoa’s kick-ass attitude and impressed by marshmallow’s consistently lumpy performance.  Sultry flavor and sticky residue overflow the brim in this gritty beverage of riveting proportions. Another outstanding product from the mediocre makers of something I tried last week but can’t recall the name of.  Rating: Four Stars”

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Random posts by persons with nothing better to do than anonymously hit the Post Your Review Free! sites

Random post 1. This cocoa is delicious, tempting and HOT.  Make sure to keep a fan handy – you’ll need it to cool off!”

Random post 2. “This cocoa is so lame. I’d rate it accordingly but there’s no option button for SUCKS ASS”.

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Snippets from two separate reviews published by the Beverage Times of America:

BT Reviewer 1.” …Cocoa makes for a sensible and modernly likable lead ingredient. But once Marshmallow entered the scene with its strong yet buoyant presence, the chemistry was pure kismet! I was swept away by the powerful conflicts that vied to separate them, and convinced by mutually intimate attraction for one another.  The minor nutritive ingredients were also engaging, and their presence helped to bring the entire experience to a very satisfying conclusion. I definitely recommend Berlin Fraulein to the connoisseur of exotic drinks, and wait anxiously for this company’s next stimulating beverage!  Rating: 5 Mugs”

BT Reviewer 2. ” ..while the experience did have its moments, I wasn’t impressed by the overall relationship between Cocoa and Marshmallow. In a day and age when liberated female consumers look for their Cocoas to be strong and independent, I found this one just too submissive to the domineering presence of Marshmallow. The minor ingredients were too numerous and unsavory to be anything but a distraction. The heat level aside, this reviewer found Berlin Fraulein a convoluted drink primarily geared toward beverage consumers who have a bent for deviant, uninhibited ambiance.  Rating: 1 Mug”

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Review posted by someone the product creator embarrassingly suspects is an overly helpful relative:

“Exiting! That’s the first word that comes to mind when describing this smooth, poignantly brilliant beverage! Dark, alluring chocolate and yummy,  white marshmallows pair up in an unforgettably brilliant mixed beverage that left me thrilled and primed for a second cupful!!! Mmm  mmmm, good stuff! XXXXXOOOOOO”

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Snippet from review written by an online Penthouse customer and former contributor:

“While relaxing one sultry night in my boudoir I ventured to indulge my palate with a cup of  Berlin Fraulein Hot Cocoa With Marshmallows. As I tore open the slender packet, the tempting fragrance of powdered sugar and finely ground chocolate billowed teasingly into my nostrils in a drift of silky swirls. I found the sensation tempting, without the raunchy ambiance usually found in cocoa sold at my favorite flea markets. Irinia, my gorgeous Russian housekeeper carried in a bottle of boiled which she now offered me, along with a wink and flicker of tongue across her succulent lips.  I poured the water and stirred the mixture until it was frothy and steamy. As I lifted the cup to my desiring lips I was suddenly reminded of the time I bumped into a certain former Vice President -Mr. G- at a party held at the Playboy Mansion. It had been a quietly stimulating  evening, all the more memorable for a visitation by the Swedish Bikini Ski team. Mr. G looked distraught, however, and after he had finished his seventh high-ball I asked him what was troubling him. He said he needed advice and asked if I could help. At my nod he began to tell me about an embarrassing situation involving a lovely masseuse of our mutual acquaintance. Now this young woman was shy but becoming, with the adept hands of a farm-fresh milk maid and the bewitching mouth of a Korean male prostitute. But Mr. G said she had come into possession of a pair of trousers he desperately needed back…”

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Excerpted from a review posted by Dear Beverage Maker, the sometimes-controversial, always tell-it-like-we-think-it-should-be beverage review site:

“Dear Beverage Maker,

first let me thank you for submitting for review your cocoa and marshmallow confection, Berlin Fraulein Cocoa With Marshmallows. It was an exciting opportunity to sample a new product from the renowned maker of such tantalizing products as The Sheik’s Naughty Amaretto Candies and The Gladiator’s Long Lasting Energy Bar, not to mention one of my favorites- the unforgettably tongue teasing Viking Warrior Chocolate Covered Swivel Sticks.

Having said this, it is with regret I must inform you that I found your new beverage lacks everything your preceding products won my heart with.  Sigh. To begin – that fluffy but eye-enticing  picture on the product cover was nothing like the hardcore crap I discovered waiting in the dark recesses of the packet. Upon peeling open the packet I was immediately assaulted by a plume of powdery rubbish that could have sent a less experienced reviewer screaming. The marshmallows -which dominated everything else in the packet- weren’t just generic, they possessed none of the ballsy quality I expect from a white substance that regularly goes into my mouth. Then there was the limpid excuse for chocolate.  I don’t know who you were thinking of marketing this to, but I for one have never been a fan of annoyingly insubstantial flakes. And talk about sweet beyond belief? Oh Jesus, I  might as well have been drinking liquid saccharin!  Now, let’s talk about that circus of dysfunctional supporting minor ingredients you -for whatever irrational reason- deigned to unload on the unsuspecting buyer…”