August 8th, 2010 | by Anya Howard |
Like a lot of folks I enjoy reading books about vampires and I’ve watched and enjoyed my share of vampire movies. But when it comes to trying something new in the genre books and movies are two different animals. With books, if you get bored with or just find yourself plain annoyed with the story, you can put that book down and not finish it, guilt free.
Movies, on the other hand, are often not the personal entertainment venue that books are. If I am watching a vampire movie I am, with few excepts, watching with either a group of friends or my husband. If the movie in question turns out to have its Oh dear god no! factors I am not about to just turn off the DVD player or get up and sashay out the theater. That is rude. And, if my husband had just shelled out fifteen bucks as part of a Romantic evening, leaving the cinema and heading toward Hot Topic is simply out of the question. So I suppose the responsibility of keeping me a happy movie-goer who will be recommending the film and dying to see the sequel lies ultimately with the movie makers. And on the chance there are some movie makers out there reading this post, I will point out now there are a few areas of subject matter the vampire movie in question just MUST NOT HAVE.
Or, in other words, when it comes to vamp movies I got me pet peeves. And here are the leaders of the pack:
Vampire movies for guys who love movies and hate vampires unless they’re being blown to shreds
I am not a fan of manly action-packed movies to begin with and have no interest in watching films where the hero’s answer to dealing with the vampire problem entails an artillery of high-powered automatic anti-vamp weapons with enough destructive capability to level a major city. To me, these are about as interesting to watch as seeing Steven Segal clip his toenails.
Your eyes may adore me, but looking at them hurts like hell
While I’m a big fan of old Hammer films, I can never watch Christopher Lee’s red-eyed Dracula without feeling an intense and overpowering need for eye drops. Visine, Drac, it takes the red out!
The your-boyfriend-is-a-total-pussy vampire movie
Now if I was the kind of female movie-goer whose idea of a happy ending is seeing the heroine throw the hero over her shoulder and carry him into the sunset, I might actually like these types. But I’m not, so no thanks here.
It’s so gory you can’t really see what’s happening for all the flying vampire limbs and spewing bodily fluids
This one speaks for itself.. and the reason I always keep bottle of Pepto-Bismol handy on a movie night.
The Kick-Ass heroine who couldn’t hold her own in a cat fight
Sure, she looks hot as hell, she’s adept with every man-made weapon under the sun and her skill in the martial arts would put Jackie Chan to shame. But we females in the audience know that stripped of her weaponry and karate expertise she couldn’t hold her own in a true cat fight if her life -human or vampiric- depended on it. Give me a believable heroine; one who knows how to claw, scratch, bite and snatch off a scalp full of hair before the villain knows what hit him. The kind of woman who can yank out the queen vampire’s earrings and use them as a convenient eye gouger. A lady who can use a high heeled shoe as a heart stake, and with the precision of a professional javelin thrower. Because if movie makers want me to root for her they need to understand that she has to be convincing, and Gadget Gigi with the kung-fu grip just doesn’t cut it.
Too Stupid To Live endings
The film’s makers gave an enthralling plot, a sympathetic and fascinating hero, even a romantic element that was believable and yummy. But then there was… the ending. A resolution so ridiculous it could have been written by a chimp. No, that’s not quite fair. A chimp would have been more creative.
The psychic vampire
Poor Mr. Chiseled-featured vampire, you have resisted the temptation to suck human blood for decades, yet now have met the one woman that draws you like a chiseled-featured moth to a flame.
Just a word to the wise, a relationship with this heroine can’t be properly called an “us” situation. Once you’re in her life you are there to stay. But don’t blame yourself or your unbelievable good looks or even the fact you have the alluring power to make her live forever. Because everyone in her life -friends, family, acquaintances, teachers, even her third cousin once removed- have lost all sense of individuality in order that their every action, feeling, motive and thought can revolve around her and her problems like lowly planets around a bright and glorious celestial body. Yep, she has emotional needs my friend and everyone is there to serve them. So as long as you remember these three little words -Me, Me, ME- being able to read her thoughts or not doesn’t really make any difference.
And they say vampires suck.
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So, anyone else have pet peeves when it comes to vamp movies? If so, feel free to share!
~Anya
Hon, I totally agree with you!!! That Christopher Lee movie was really bad. I don’t watch a lot of Vampire movies for many of the same reasons you give. And, I have absolutely no trouble changing the channel if I’m watching one on television.
by Claudia McRay · August 8th, 2010 at 8:09 pmUnderworld was awesome but I agree with your statement there,
by Lightbane · August 8th, 2010 at 8:32 pmTwilight bores the crap out of me seriously i’ve sat through three of the movies and yeah the characters just bore me. Its all about Bella.
Blade is a great series but that ending was lame.
Hate horror films wouldn’t go near them for the world.
Which movie was the third one? I might have seen it but I can’t place it, those sorts of movies are supposed to appeal to ‘feminists’ but not when its so overdone like that.
I’m really not embarrassed to admit I have never watched a vampire movie…nope.
Not one, and the examples you’ve given are an excellent reason not to in the future, either. I’d much rather read the story, do my own visuals and skip the fake blood and crappy acting.
A well written vampire story, on the other hand, gives me plenty of room to imagine a much better story than any producer can possibly create. I’ll stick with my reading, thank you!
by Kate Douglas · August 8th, 2010 at 11:14 pmWow….Uh, I’m gonna have to be the one person here who disagrees with you. lol
I love me some vampire movies and I’ve seen everyone that you mentioned here and I loved each and every one of them. My favorite movie of all time is Fright Night….talk about a sexy vamp!
I have yet to see a vampire movie that I didn’t like and I have watched some real doozies. But I know they are either going to end badly for the vamp…ie…Fright Night….he’s gonna get away with his new Vamp mate…ie..Queen of the Damned or he’s going to be a good vamp and kill all the bad vamps…ie…Blade.
Not all Vampire movies are going to be what I would call great, but they all have their own special place. Even if that place is the dumpster…ie..Interview with a Vampire.
by Mary Kirkland · August 9th, 2010 at 2:55 amClaudia -Christopher Lee’s Dracula aside, I just love, love, love those old campy Hammer movies. I found out the other week they even have a website now where you can find archived info on all the movies they made.
Lightbane -thanks for sharing. About the third pic, that’s a still from Buffy the Vampire Slayer with Luke Perry as the heroine’s wimpy boyfriend (I’m sorry, but I honestly can’t recall who played Buffy in the movie!)
Kate- not a single one? I am shocked! lol
Mary – that’s cool, we all have our opinions. But you know, if I wasn’t pretty fond of vamp films I guess it wouldn’t matter to me, lol. About Fright Night, yes that was a good one! My personal favorites are Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992) and The Hunger (with David Bowie)
by Anya Howard · August 9th, 2010 at 11:29 amI have to take that back–I DID see Interview with a Vampire. Maybe THAT’S why I’ve never seen another!
by Kate Douglas · August 9th, 2010 at 11:45 amAnya- I can surely understand your being irritated with some of these since you do like the Vamp movies. I think I would feel the same way about vamp books …that is if I found one I didn’t like. lol
Viva la Vamp!
Kate- I’m sorry that was your only exposure to Vampire movies. There really are better ones out there.
by Mary · August 10th, 2010 at 10:44 pmI totally think that Underworld was boring. I don’t understand it when people say they like it. I tried watching the first movie and I had to stop because I was too disappointed to continue watching. I’d be much happier to just hear the plot of the whole thing from someone else. I wouldn’t even waste my time reading about it on a web page. As for Twilight, there’s really not much to comment on, because it wasn’t much of a movie. And on account of Blade, when I first heard about it, I got excited because the series consisted of the frequently neglected plot about vampire slayers. But the thing is, when I found out that he was half vampire, that ruined the whole thing for me. It’s like saying you have to be either part vampire or super strong to be able to kill vampires. Buffy wasn’t all that bad, but she also had a special advantage, which was her slayer strength. When can there be a vampire story where just entirely normal human blokes can hold their own in a scuffle with a vampire?
by Not telling my name · May 29th, 2011 at 7:10 pm