Aphrodisia Authors :: Blog

As a romance author, I get amazing mail—-misdirected mail. Maybe this happens to you? You open what you think is your bill or letter, only to find it belonged to your neighbor! Oops! Well, that just happened to me. And although it’s in really bad form and I’m behaving in a really tacky manner, I’m going to share the letter with you… As you can see Barbie wrote it to Santa.

Barbie’s Christmas List! :o)

Barbie
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245

Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 1996

Dear Santa:
Listen you ugly little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT’S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won’t wanna be around to smell it). So, here’s my holiday wish list for 2008:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels
like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man…maybe GI Joe. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what’s with that earring anyway? If I’m gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don’t care whose arm you have to twist, get it done.

6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don’t cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!

8. A new, more new gen persona. Maybe “PMS Barbie”, complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; “Animal Rights Barbie”, with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or “Stop Smoking Barbie,” sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It’s been 37 years–I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that’s it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don’t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas.

It’s that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

Well, I can tell you, I felt Barbie’s pain. I put the letter right back in the envelop and sent to Priority to the North Pole.

And now to a more serious subject. Romance writer Jo Leigh is having a tough time. The love of her life died after a long battle with cancer. Her heart is aching and her bills are crazy. The romance community has pulled together to help both. To show love and support, a bunch of writers have given books, critiques and cool writing things up for auction. Editors are auctioning off critiques. If you’re a writer or a reader, you can find lots of great items up for bid. Check out the items up for bid.

And now for the giveaway… I have stackfuls of books waiting for good homes. My November release RUNNING WILD has just been chosen as PNR Reviewer “Top Pick” for November 2008. Yey! I’m giving away one copy of that. I’m also giving away a copy of THE SUPPLICANT. Both copies will be autographed. I’ll pick random winners on Friday. Just leave a comment if you’d like a chance to win.

Best,
Lucinda

I love double entendres. I love clever bumper stickers. I really love headlines that are open to interpretation. Here are some of my favorites:

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
7. Would-be Women Priests Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
16. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Line
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
18. If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
20. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Large Test Group
22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
24. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

I mean, don’t you feel sorry for the high school dropouts in #23? And isn’t the tree in #15 clever?

Want to win a copy of my November release? I only have one copy left. Go ahead and find an ambiguous headline from the news. I bet there are some good political ones lurking just beneath the surface. Or make one up, I don’t care. Post it as a comment, and your might win a copy of my November release, RUNNING WILD!

November release

I know some people think a happy ending separates romance from women’s fiction, but what separates romance from literature?

No, it’s not subject matter. Anthropologists say that life can be distilled down to sex and food. So, romance writers and authors of literature cover both of those. Okay, maybe Aphrodisia authors cover more sex than food but…

It’s not writing style either. Okay, maybe not all of us write like John Updike, but we can wield a competent sentence. Even a fragment. Particularly if it’s an artistic fragment. Like these.

So what is it?

Let me show you…

Does this woman look like she writes romance? I think not. This is the summary of her accomplishments from Wikipedia:
“Her many awards include an NEA Fellowship and five PEN Syndicated Fiction Awards. She won a book award from the Pacific Northwest Booksellers Association (PNBA) in 1991 for Floating in My Mother’s Palm. She has also written many reviews for The New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and The Washington Post. For many years, she taught creative writing at Eastern Washington University. Her recent books include Stones from the River (1994), Intrusions (1995), Tearing the Silence: On Growing Up German in America (1998), The Vision of Emma Blau (2000), Hotel of the Saints: Stories (2001), Sacred Time (2004), and The Worst Thing I’ve Done (2007).”

She’s also one of my favorite authors.

Now, take a look at this face. Does it look like she writes literature? Or romance. You tell me.

Also, one of my favorite authors. Plus, she cracks me on on AuthorTalk. Can you imagine Ursula on AuthorTalk? Yeah, me neither.

Now take a look at this face… Literature or romance. Oh, this is so easy.

Yeah, you guessed it. Literature. She won the Booker Man for her book, The Gathering. Is it about food and sex? Yep. According to Wikipedia (I love Wikipedia!), “Her writing explores themes such as family relationships, love and sex, Ireland’s difficult past and its modern zeitgeist.” See? Sex and food. I particularly love BBQed zeitgeist, but I understand most people like it completely baked (unlike my post!)

Okay, I have one more face for you… This one is more difficult. Literature or romance.

Gorgeous. No doubt. AND she won the RITA for one of my favorite books. Beat that Anne and Ursula.

Okay, I want to show you one more picture. The question is a little different here. Which is Lucinda Betts in this photo?

So if you managed to read this whole piece, you deserve a prize. Leave a comment, and I’ll pick a winner or two to receive a blatantly-not-literature book by yours truly.

After Melissa MacNeal posted her blog here yesterday about caffeine and sugar, I started to think about my own addictions. Here’s my secret vice, the one I wish I could kick. I love reading romance blogs. SmartBitches and DearAuthor kick off my day, and I generally look at them two or three times during the day. And I hate myself for it.

Yesterday Sarah at Smartbitches wrote a short piece pleading with authors to not use tortured children as cheap ploys in romance books. Yesterday Jia at DearAuthor hammered Marjorie Liu for choppy prose at the beginning of her new book, the IRON HUNT.

I hate reading these things as an author. Not that I want to use tortured children in my books, but I have used children. (Gage in Moonshadow saved a street urchin from orcs, for instance.) Not that I want to use choppy prose, but Jia stated that Liu might have been aiming for something artistic.

The next time I’m considering artistic in a novel, I might think twice. In fact, I can promise I’ll think twice. And the next time I have a kid in a book I’ll think twice. And that’s just from reading yesterday’s blog! If I go back through the years I’ve been reading these blogs, the list of things I should avoid as an author grows like the ants in my kitchen. And like the ants, it doesn’t stop. A quick scan of this morning’s DearAuthor tells me there are 10 things authors shouldn’t do at Amazon. I don’t want to read it. I sincerely hope they’re 10 things I don’t already do at Amazon. (I suspect that the advice will be 10 ways not to abuse your readers, which means I’m safe.)

But I will read SmartBitches and DearAuthor two or three times today and tomorrow and the next day. I can’t help myself. That’s the mad genius of these sites. It’s like the mad genius or Red Bull and real coffee with real cream and real sugar, and breaking the addiction is just as hard. Sometimes it hurts, but the sweet parts are oh so sweet. Like did you see the contest to win a copy of Ann Aguirre’s WANDERLUST at SmartBitches? Can you say madgenius? And did you see that review of VICTORY OF EAGLES over at DearAuthor? I’d never have picked that book up, but I will now. It sounds fantastic. Congrats Naomi Novik.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting that SmartBitches or DearAuthor change anything about what they do. In shrink speak, I know this is my issue and not theirs. I’ll simply keep reading the sites and making mental notes of what not to do and what not to write… and then try to forget them when I sit down to work on my next book. Bring on the children and the artistic prose! (And hopefully my cp will catch the most egregious offenses and bring me to my senses.)

And speaking of my next book… Kensington gives me lots of copies of books to give away, and my stacks of SHE and EROS ISLAND are filling up my office. If you’d like to win a copy, leave a comment. Two random comments will win a book.

All of us who write need to pamper our muse. Sometimes that’s hard to do. We have parents and children and day jobs that need us. We have husbands and boyfriends and lovers. We have our girl friends and classes and exams and shopping and chores. And all of this take away from time for ourselves. I don’t mean that in a bad way. I love my life, even as busy as it is. But I need quiet time to think and finding it can sometimes be challenging.

My readers might have noticed that my world building usually includes a lot of elements from nature. I use plant names for my characters. Ivy is the name of my heroine in SHE, and Lady Wisteria is an evil character from THE SUPPLICANT, for example. Where do I get these elements from? In the winter, my desk is covered in gardening catalogs. Listen to this. “…these dropping, milky-white naturalizers have dainty inner tips of emerald green.” This is a description of snowdrops from the John Scheepers catalog.

Sometimes (okay, often) I break down and buy these delicious things. As a result my yard is filled with glorious foliage. All of the images here are from my garden. Now that summer is here, my muse is just out the door. And as I water and fertilize my creations, I feed that muse at the same time.

Want a copy of SHE? Post a comment. I’ll pick a random winner.

It wasn’t until I first started writing romances that I became aware of how much pleasure people get in bashing them. I heard, “She reads romances,” said in the same tone as, “She eats her boogers.” Or, “I can’t believe she liked fill-in-appropriate-movie-name-here, but then again, maybe I can. She reads romances.”

At first I thought it was kind of funny. My aunt used to pass me Harold Robbins’ books, which she’d loved herself, and tell me, “This is great smut!” She’d say the same about Rosemary Rogers and even Danielle Steele (sorry, Danielle—we know you close the door, but you got lumped in all the same). The implication was that these books were about love and sex and they were to be celebrated as such. Personally, I was more than happy to celebrate them as such.

But when I became a published author, someone asked me what I wrote. I laughed and said, Smut! Well, now. I hadn’t been so quickly verbally slapped down since the time I said I voted for fill-in-appropriate-politician-name. Their disgust caught me off guard, but I couldn’t bring myself to care very much. I planned to laugh all the way to the bank.

I was a party last month, filled with PhDs. One of them asked what made a romance a romance. Was it sex? Was it love? I said, No, it’s the Happily Ever After. He was appalled. You mean the book has to have an HEA? I said, well, yes. Don’t most movies have one? We can all name a few movies that have sad endings, but it’s a lot harder than naming the movies that have happy endings. We all want happy endings. Just ask Friendly’s… or your local masseuse. (Just kidding, masseuses!)

My friend was still appalled by the constraint of a happy ending. But I pointed out that if I didn’t like it, I could write something else. No one made me write books with HEAs. No one made me read them. I explained to him that it was my medium, like oil or photography.

But of course, that made it all too high-brow. Choosing to write romances is like a musician choosing to sing pop. She could sing country and add a twang, or metal and add a screech. She could add a blues guitar and go all funky.

Once I explained to my friend that it was a choice, an artistic choice, he wasn’t so scandalized the fact that I write graphic romances (aka smut). And I’m just very glad so many people like to stroll through this gallery.

p.s. I’ll give away one copy of EROS ISLAND to a random commenter who isn’t an Aphro Author. (If you’re an Aphro Author who’d like a copy, I’m sure we can arrange a swap!)

My girlfriends like to give me calendars for Christmas–horse art, fairies with glittering wings, ferocious dragons, I love to see them on my office wall. My favorite was a Boris Vallejo and Julie Bell’s Fantasy Calendar. The luscious thighs and delicious muscles were a pleasure to behold as I painted my fantasy worlds with my keyboard.

But last year my girlfriends gave me six calendars–which might explain why this year I received none. I’m sure they thought another of them got me one.

I wasn’t too worried about this. Borders and B&N sells their calendars at 50% off after the first of the year, and I had a $5 coupon for Borders. Today is the 5th. Surely I could manage 5 days without a calendar. My mind is a steel trap, after all. Watch out.

Well, I had something scheduled for my niece on Saturday and something with my nephew for Sunday, and I was having lunch with my critique partner on Sunday, too, but that’s okay. Sunday has enough hours in it for two events.

So today, calendar–less, I spent an hour and a half at a birthday party with my nephew. Only it wasn’t a party for anyone we know. THAT party is tomorrow–at the same time I’m supposed to have lunch with my critique partner. And that thing with my niece? That was this morning at 9:30. Oh yes, I was still in bed. So much for the steel trap. It appears to have rust when I wasn’t looking.

I didn’t go home after the birthday party. My humoring barfly friend–after asking me if I was high–took me to Borders. With my $5 coupon and my 50% off, I bought a beautiful Woodland Faeries calendar by Linda Ravenscroft. I bought a horse calendar too, for the kitchen. I saved something like $11, but I would have rathered make my engagement with my niece…and scheduled my lunch with my CP at some time other than my nephew’s birthday party.

Which brings me to a word of thanks to whichever Aphrodisiac programmed the Yahoo Groups thing to nag the person who’s turn it was to blog. (I suspect that’s Jodi. Thanks, Jodi!) Last year, as soon as the blog schedule was created, I wrote my dates faithfully on the appointed Sunday on one of my six calendars. But then everything got changed. Maybe twice. I missed every blog after that because I couldn’t tell which blog date was mine when I looked at my crossed-out dates on my calendar.

I’m officially ready for 2008 now. I’ve got my two calendars in place, and there’s a pencil–with a big fat eraser–tied to each.

Whatever each of you does to stay organized, I wish you the best of it! May your iPhone never crash. May your Blackberry never run out of batteries. (And Kate, may Outlook never lie too far from your fingertips!)

May your girlfriends never fail to give you calendars for the holidays…and if they do, don’t be a cheap bastard and wait for the sale.

Deborah Macgillivray and Hilary Sares are doing a wonderful thing for an Aphrodisia Author in distress…they are raffling off editors!

Listen up!!

Tired of submitting to slush piles and getting rejected before
the editors even see it?

Want a chance to get your book before a print editor???
Want a guaranteed that the editor actually reads it?
You don’t ever get that request for a FULL manuscript??

Well here is your chance!!

Win a chance to have your completed or nearly completed
manuscript read and receive a one page critique from

Hilary Sares
Kensington editor
(Debut, Brava, Approdisia lines)

YES!!!!

FIFTEEN people will win this amazing opportunity.

Yes, 15 people will have their full or nearly completed
manuscripts read and will receive a one page
critique from editor Hilary Sares.

How do you win this amazing chance??

RAFFLE — $100 per entry.
Enter as many times as you want.
(all money is going to a worthy cause)
~~~~~~~~~ Rules: ~~~~~~~~~

You may enter as many times as you want at $100 a “ticket”.
The more times you enter, the better your chances are.

Winners will be randomly selected from a drawing of names.
on December 21st, 2007

~~~~~~~~ What do you get? ~~~~~~~~

15 people with completed or nearly completed manuscripts
(any genre!) will have their manuscript read by Hilary Sares
(Impress her and she could even want to buy you~~ if you are what she’s looking for!)
All 15 will get a one page critique of their manuscript.

But that is not all….

RUNNERS up will get….

2nd place Runners up…. (#16 and #17 winners)

Chris Keeslar
Senior Editor, Dorchester Publishing
(Leisure Books and Love Spell)
~~ will read and critique 100 pages ~~
you get to put a proposal of 100 pages before
Dorchester’s editor, and receive 1 page critique.
Again, he will consider buying if you impress him!
(Historical Romances, Magna, Contemporary, Paranormal)

Leah Hultenschmidt
Editor for Dorchester Publishing
(Leisure Books and Love Spell)

~~ will read and critique a 100 pages ~!
you get to put a proposal of 100 pages before Dorchester’s editor,
and receive 1 page critique.
Again, she will consider buying if you impress her!
(Historical Romances, Contemporary, Paranormal)
3rd place Runner up (#18, #19, #20 and #21 winners)

Leanne Burroughs
Publisher/Editor of Highland Press, will read and
critique 4 full manuscripts -the publisher/owner of
Highland Press will read and giveeach a 1 page critique.
Again, she will consider buying.
(Historical Romance, Paranormal, Contemporary,
Mainstreams YA, Childrens) Trade size PRINT Books

Details….The raffle runs through midnight EST December 15, 2007

The random drawing will be held on:
December 21, 2007

so 21 people will have a very Merry Christmas!!!
winners will be notified by phone and email on that day.

All $ raised will go to help author Dawn Thompson’s hospital
and medical bills. Dawn recently had a bad fall. She is a new
writer so has to wait for nearlya year or more to start receiving
her royalties. She doesn’t have family to help her and has a lot of
needs not being covered by her insurance. Money will go to
help her pay for medicine not covered, and other needs
arising from her recovery.

All drawings will be final. No Refunds

Any questions about the contest
email Deborah Macgillivray
Kensington, Dorchester, & Highland Press author
writer@deborahmacgi llivray.co. uk

To enter

Name:

email address (working email addy for you will be billed $100 through Paypal):
Penname, if any:

Your full address:

Your Phone number:

The Title of your manuscript:

The genre of your manuscript:

Is your manuscript completed? Yes NO

If no - expected completion date

Once your email application is received
you will be sent a “ticket” bill through
Paypal at $100.00 for each entry.
You pay enter has many times as you want to increase your odds.

You will be helping a fellow writer get back on her feet
after trauma, and you finally get that GUARATEED
chance to be read by some top print editors.

Why? Because she rocks! Giving it 4 stars, this is what RTBook Reviews said about OPERATION G-SPOT:

Three women who have been denied the pleasure of a man-induced orgasm are out to get theirs in this seriously hot anthology. Copeland creates fabulously realistic characters…

And this is what RTBook Reviews said about AFTER HOURS–Copeland does a fantastic job of bringing the reader into the smoldering-hot scenes, with details that will have you reaching for a cold glass of water. The sexual chemistry between the characters in each tale is strong.

Her book BODY MOVES comes out in Oct and it has the most gorgeous cover. You want to know her web site? http://www.jodilynncopeland.com/

You can read an interview with her at http://romrevtoday.blogspot.com/2006/12/ask-five-withjodi-lynn-copeland-and.html

Her fans already knew she rocked. She’s been wowing Ellora’s Cave readers for a long time; now she’s wowing Kensington readers.

She’s really wowing her Aphrodisia sisters. Faced with scheduling demands that would bring the rest of us to pour knees, she finds time to organize our blog! She’s fit all of us Aphro authors into monthly slots, not once but twice. She sends us monthly reminders, so we have no excuse for forgetting.

In short, she’s showing us what her fans already knew—she rocks. Thanks so much for all your help, Jodi! Organizing our blog has to be as easy as herding ferrets (ask Devyn Quinn), and about as thankless.

Rumor had it that Jack Kerouac wrote “On The Road” in three weeks. According to the legend, he made a giant scroll of paper so that feeding new sheets into the typewriter wouldn’t slow him down, sat down, and hammered out this masterpiece in twenty-one days.

I grew up believing that rumor. When I finally landed New York contracts and my editor asked me how long it would take me to write a single title, this rumor came to mind. If Jack Kerouac could hammer out that masterpiece in three weeks, how long could it take me to write an erotic romance?

Luckily, my agent talked sense into me, and I didn’t offer to write anything in three weeks. It took me four months to write my first single title, five months to write my second, and six months to write my third. I hope that this increased length reflects my growth as a writer, but in the back of my mind, I keep hearing that Jack Kerouac rumor.

And it’s been making me feel like a literary slacker.

But I just heard something that made me feel a lot better. It took Jack three weeks to TYPE “On the Road,” and it took him substantially longer to write it and revise it and revise it again and again. In fact, it took him closer to seven years to write “On The Road,” and he had one hell of a time selling it. According to NPR, he had to publish bits and pieces of it in magazines, and he had to wait for the old NY editors to retire and new blood to come in before he saw his work made into an actual book.

“On The Road” turns fifty in September, and it still sells 100,000 copies each year. So congrats to Jack and the agent that completely believed in him!

And Jack, if you’re listening, I’m so very glad you didn’t write “On The Road” in three weeks, and to my internal psyche, if you’re listening, please don’t take seven years to write anything.