December 8th, 2011 | by Anya Howard |
In this holiday season some of us rely on letters to Santa to get shopping ideas for children and charitable organizations, sometimes even friends. But a letter to Santa sometimes offers more than just present suggestions. Sometimes the gift wishes and nature of the letter itself gives insight into the very psyche of the person who wrote it.
Of course, if we could read a person’s mind as easily as we read a book then letter writing might not be necessary. When it comes to literary characters we usually learn enough about their needs and wants in the course of the story that shopping for them would be a breeze. With this truism in mind I began wondering what some of our most cherished literary characters would have to say to Santa if they were to correspond with him? In several incidences the hypothetical Santa letters were pretty easy to make conclusions about. Or at least I think so..but I’ll let you be the final judge here as I present some of my “If famous literary characters wrote to Santa”.
Dear Sir Claus,
I hope this letter finds all well and prosperous in your kingdom and that you and your good wife are well and healthy. The following is my Christmas wish list for this year:
12 LARGE cans CAFFEINATED coffee
200 six-packs of energy drinks
2 dozen tins of Earl Grey tea.
Sugar –sacks and sacks of it!
5 case lots of No-DOZ pills
I have been a good girl this year and pray, with all my heart, you can bring these items. Please excuse my sense of urgency but my 15th birthday is next month.
Warmest regards,
Sleeping Beauty
Santa of Claus,
I have been nice boy. Please bring following: New sheath for my sword. Syrian steel battleaxe with blood-grove handle. Mace cudgel with poison-tipped studs. My Little Pony Tea Party Play Set.
You will find cookies and mead under the tree of execution.
Conan of Cimmeria
Dear Mr. Santa Claus,
This is my first time writing to you with a request, but Dad tells me boys round my age traditionally write you at this time of the year if they have a special gift request for Christmas. I’m not real choosy but have came up with a few ideas that may help in your holiday shopping. These are listed below.
Sincerely,
Benjamin Button
A subscription to Mechanics Illustrated
A Mila Kunis bikini poster
Tony Hawk autographed skateboard
A Playstation 3
A football
A bicycle
Legos castle
Box of crayons
Teddy bear
Trike
My First Elmo
Bloks
blanky
P.S. – Mr. Claus, this is Benjamin’s father. A box of diapers for my son will be fine, if you make your sleigh ride really, really early this year. Otherwise, I wouldn’t sweat it.
Salutations Mr. Claus,
As previously requested and satisfactorily delivered, I am requesting the following items for my Yuletide seasonal wish list:
Morphine drip
Small metal spoons
A selection of Asian Blue Lotus plants
Syringes
Wide rubber bands
Charcoal
Saline nasal mist
Jamaican hemp
New hooka
A subscription to the Hallucinogenic Mushroom of the Month
3 bottles of Mezcal tequila
I would also very much enjoy a copy of this year’s 1001 Best Dumb Doctor Jokes.
Thank you and warm regards for the Season,
Sherlock Holmes
Hello Santa,
I am currently enjoying practically everything a boy could ask for, including candy, cake and pet donkeys, but there are a couple of things I would appreciate for Christmas:
A can of Black Flag Full-Strength Cricket Killer Spray
A latex stretchable nose guard
Yeah, this should cover it.
Ciao,
Pinocchio
Dearest St. Nick,
I hope you are as every bit as happy and lively as you were last year. Let me again tell you how grateful I was to have been picked last year for a special visit to Santa’s wondrous home in the North Pole! The bright memory of that enchanting visit is one I will never forget. I so adored everything I experienced – the Toy shop, the reindeer stable, the hot cocoa tavern and the candy factory. But I suppose, no -I know!- my favorite part was sitting with you before the cozy hearth and reveling in the warmth of your Yule log.
This year I have but a single request to make of you, my benevolent good friend. It is a wish I have thought out long and hard since I heard how your back went out after bouncing me on your knee all that last long, wintry Christmas eve. If not for the injury I would ask for you to spend the holidays with me in the countryside. But since you’re still in a brace what say we wait on that until next year? Thus my wish is this, dearest St. Nick, for the secret to making a wooden boy lie. And I don’t mean a little white fib, I mean big, grandiose WHOPPER fabrications! Oh, if you can confide this secret to me I will be the most ecstatic girl in the world!
Warmly, truly, damply yours,
Fanny Hill
Dear Father Christmas,
I have been an exceptionally well-behaved young woman this year and pray you can deliver me the following:
2000-count case of lip balm
Cliff notes for The Neverending Story, War and Peace and a plot guide for every episode of Law & Order ever aired.
If you are unable to bring these to me may my father and I just hitch a ride on your sled?
Thank you and well wishes,
Scheherazade
Greetings Father Christmas,
The list of my required necessities is relatively short this year:
20 new blades
10 new strops
Mens aftershave (fragrance optional)
Towels – as many as you can bring
A butcher’s hook
2 shovels
A new professional vivisection kit
As we both know you can see into the hearts of all men so I will not tire you with an attempt to convince you whether I’ve been naughty or nice this year. Have a pleasant journey and Merry Christmas!
Sweeney Todd
P.S. If you bring all the items on my Christmas list I will treat you to a shave and haircut – on the house!
From the desk of Minerva McGonagall, Headmistress, Gryffindor House, Hogwarts
To Kris Kringle, Owner and Proprietor, Santa’s Toys and Candy Distributorship, Corp., North Pole
Dear Kris,
I was tickled to receive the announcement you are to be a father! Congratulations my old friend! I must confess you proved me wrong. I predicted nothing but heartbreak when you first said you had married an exotic dancer after knowing her only one night. I see now, however, that you and Fourchestia are well-suited. I realize also that you’ve indeed found the true love you’ve always sough. It is likewise evident your bride takes joy in making those long nights in the artic much warmer. And in time, surely, her cousin Rubeus will come round to accepting the marriage.
As to your question, yes I have been an extremely “good girl this year” LOL!! And if there is anything I’ve had my eye on it is an outfit I noticed in the latest Victoria’s Secret catalog. It is located on page 14, and is quite reminiscent of that cute number I had a long time ago. You remember that outfit don’t you, Kris? I was wearing it when you, Albus and Cyril the Cyclops popped in for a visit to my dorm room back in the autumn of ’61. Oh, now isn’t that an adorable memory? I’ll never forget how the three of you got me drunk on hard cider and we enjoyed the entire long and sweaty night together. Of course, while your attentions and those of Cyril were quite flattering I do believe I could have been out of the room and Albus would have been just as contented. Nevertheless he surprised us all with his aptness for mare breaking. I dare say if you hadn’t brought along that Vaseline we’d have never got his saddle off and I may well have spent the next decades confined to a wheel chair-
~continued page 2~
Dear Mr. Claus,
If history tells us anything it is that myths are birthed from the human need to put a face upon that which is unexplainable by ordinary human understanding. The educated comprehend this and in this enlightened state naturally become dubious of the exaggerated and sometimes ridiculously farfetched feats attributed to the subjects of myth. You, sir, are one of these subjects.
On the other hand, as an intelligent but needy man without resources or the influence to obtain what I need, I say what the heck, it can’t hurt to ask Santa! For some time now I have been trying to obtain permission from the Bishop of the Church of Ethiopia to enter the St. Mary of Zion at Axum Church. It is here that the Ark of the Covenant is reported to be held. My research into this artifact requires me to see and inspect it firsthand, but as you may have already guessed, the Bishop has turned down my requests. So if you would be so kind as to procure for me this official permission to see the relic I would be eternally grateful.
Yours truly,
Robert Langdon
P.S. If you are unable to procure the authorization there is woman, a model, whose telephone number I would like to have. I don’t know her name, but her photo can be seen in the latest issue of Victiora’s Secret. This is found on page 14, and she’s wearing a hot little leather corset with a feathered bodice and she’s kneeled and mounted with a saddle. Thanks so much –and yes, sad to say, I’ve been an extremely good boy this year!
~R.L.
Dear Kris Kringle,
Thank you for taking the time to converse with me via the neutral territory of the U.S. Postal Service. I have always respected your position among those who work to protect the working citizens of the North Pole and have the highest regard for your charitable organization.
However, it has come to my attention that you have turned down my wife’s nephew, Mario, citing him as unsuitable for employment at your toy manufacturing plant. While I concede Mario is young and inexperienced in making anything besides cement shoes, allow me to remind you of the favor I extended some years back when you needed help convincing a particular mountain climber that his oogling your wife was not appreciated. In consideration of the time my “staff” took in dealing with that problem it will behoove you to not only hire Mario but to compensate his patience with an advanced salary equaling two years cost of living increases and full medical coverage. I expect this request to be fulfilled as I’m sure you are a man who honors his obligations. And for the sake of future smooth business transactions between our families this matter should be settled within the week, as I hate to think of the disfiguring look of disappointment on the faces of your trusted servants.
Yours truly,
Vito Corleone
Dear customer,
As per your request: the notification of Resident Unknown status has been forwarded to your last mailer, along with the letter they sent you.
Thank you,
U.S. Postal Service
Greetings, brother.
Business associates of yours paid an unexpected visit to my abode last night. At least this is my assumption since you are the only person I know with friends who leave gifts of the like these people did. I will further assume it was left here because these people are under the impression that this is your current address of physical residence. Suffice to say, waking up to find a reindeer head in my bed isn’t my idea of a good morning.
Now I consider myself a patient man and have dealt with your history of pranks and irresponsible behavior for years, and to the best of my abilities have been a loyal and supportive brother. Remember it was my sharing of arcane knowledge that gave your reindeers the power of flight. It was my influence over the weather that allowed you to build that huge, expensive (and gaudy) toy factory way up in the middle of the freak’n North Pole. And let us not forget that it was me who used to sober up your friend Albus back in your college days AND provided him an alibi when the zoo cops were looking for that kangaroo they suspected he “borrowed”.
Despite all this you pay me back by deliberately involving me in your underworld activities. Worse, that reindeer head ruined the only satin sheets I had – sheets given to me by the only girlfriend I’ve had in three centuries. So guess what? You owe me a set of satin sheets, you owe me an apology and you damned well better get this situation straightened out and before Minerva arrives next weekend! She’s bringing a saddle and Vaseline, and if your criminal activities mess up our plans then your poor reindeer isn’t going to be the only thing missing a head!!!
Sincerely,
Gandalf
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I wish everyone a warm, safe and joyous Yule this year!
~Anya
